Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

   Justin Bieber: What song should I cover? Random Girl: If I were a boy.

   I Got Married For Better or For Worse................She couldn't do better and I couldn't do any worse

   I listened patiently for you to make a noise but you never did. Reluctantly I had to admit you were right, it was a bottomless pit.

   you're all invited to my bachelor party! Granted, I'm not even getting married. But thats not a reason to not have a night out with my buddies with beer and strippers!

   I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

   I was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   I hate being in line behind Brett Favre at Starbucks. He's changed his order 14 times.

   Thinks Karma needs a GPS, since it finds those who don't deserve it and gets lost en route to those who do!!!

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   is wondering what childless IDIOT invented glitter glue?

   thinks that bread is to ducks as dollars are to strippers, ya feed one and three are waiting next in line..

   Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong threw a car at reporters.

   Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, it's fun for the whole neighborhood.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   You always feel a sense of accomplishment when you finally get that food stuck between your teeth with your tongue....So get ready for Thanksgiving.

   can't decide which one goes better with cranberry sauce...Grey Goose or Wild Turkey?

   about to do something awesome, again, but she told herself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."