Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts....

   Missing someone has been proven to cause insomnia. Being frustrated because you’re without that special someone keeps you awake.

   Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!

   I seem to be the only one in the whole house who can figure out the toilet paper and how it gets on that retracting stick

   I'd never get in the back of a stranger's van for candy, but if you have a beer, then consider me kidnapped.

   Sometimes when you cry, no one see's your tears. Sometimes when your in pain no one see's your hurt. Sometimes when your worried no one see's your stress. Sometimes when your happy no one see's your smile. But fart one time and the whole world knows.

   Hurricane Survival Pro Tip #2: If your neighbor is a jerk, point your patio umbrella at their windows. See what happens in 80mph winds......

   If I have to stir it, it's homemade.

   wondering..if you shouldn't go grocery shopping while hungry does this mean that you shouldn't go to the liquor store sober?

   This Just In: Researches still working to discover how over 75,000 people were miraculosly cured in Colorado last month from glaucoma and nausea..

   Women sex toys cost money for Batteries! Men's sex toys cost money for rent, clothes, groceries.......

   Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.

   I'm not "Mr Right" but I'll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up.

   You never realise how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you

   If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I f*ckin will!!