Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: Any woman that says that a way to a man's heart is through his stomch is aweful at blow jobs.

   The best thing about drinking wine in a box is when you finish it, you can unfold the box and break dance on it....

   So now that I've failed to find Jennifer Lawrence's leaked photos/nudes, I've decided to respect her privacy.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do

   I just don't get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

   When I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

   No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   The difference between being interrogated by a terrorist & interrogated by a woman is that eventually the terrorist will end your suffering.

   There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   White smoke emerges from Vatican chimney, indicating either the new pope has been chosen or the chicken fajitas are ready.

   Just read a story in a magazine that a woman is claiming she was raped by an alien.. Big Deal!.. So was Lady Gaga's mother

   You can tell it’s spring by:- The emergence of muffin tops, the flapping of bingo wings and sightings of socks with crocs!!

   I haven't copied and pasted from thi s place in 7 whole days for god sake.

   I'm running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.

   Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

   I tried slicing fruit mid-air with my samurai sword like a ninja, but the fruit just fell on the floor and the police tasered me in Wal Mart.

   I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.