Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent

   Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap.

   I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.

   My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..

   I like to sleep naked, so if there's any kind of emergency I immediately make it sexy...

   Can you really make the yuletide gay, or does it have to be born that way?

   If someone is asking for advice, don't tell them to "just be yourself". They wouldnt ask you if that was working.

   Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

   If sex is said to be the best exercise than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there's idea. . .

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   I must have a great butt because every time I walk away from my coworkers I always hear 'What an ass'

   Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger

   If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.

   "The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"

   Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!

   Kenny Rogers said "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run"... I'm pretty sure he was talking about women, not cards.

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.