Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OSAMA may you rot in hell and have to listen to entire justin beiber discography over and over again for all eternity

   I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

   wishes Narnia was real, then she would have more room in her closet...

   Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

   It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   I like to relive my single days when my wife gets home late by eating dinner standing over the sink.

   I've never fully accepted or mastered many of the key elements of being a grown up.

   Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is repealed, is it okay to admit I like the song "Drops of Jupiter?"

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes....I'll judge you standing right here!!!!!

   Can still get a TKO on Glass Joe in the first round.

   Do you think once Mark Zuckerberg gets enough friends he will stop screwing with FaceBook?

   I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

   Facebook Commandment I: Thou shalt not hold a separate conversation under someone's status post.

   The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"

   My wife and I are doing the same thing for Valentine's Day that we do every year: Laughing at all the people who spend too much money!

   types a hundred words a minute, but it's in my own language.

   the oldest I've ever been so far.

   Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

   great advice for those seeking to get out of a terrible relationship and tried almost everything: start peeing the bed. But make sure its theirs.

   I didn't practice abstinence, I perfected it.