Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever