Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How a woman crosses her legs can say a lot about how she feels about you. For Example: If they're crossed over her head, she probably likes you

   Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.

   I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why TLC didn't want him to go?

   What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

   Just deleted a guy off my friend list for posting the status "I hate Macaroni and cheese" That's right. I'm not taking crap from anyone today!

   All the people with barbwire tattoos should join together and form a border wall between US and Mexico

   The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.

   Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

   Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights...wondering...what is this b!tch up to???

   I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.

   I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!

   Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   Sorry if you don't like my Honesty. But to be fair I don't like your lies

   It's impossible for a woman to say 'I'm not overreacting' without screaming.

   Now who is running a MARATHON?

   if you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!

   I don't use the self-checkout lane, but I am looking forward to the fill-your-own-prescription stations.

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"