Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why the f*ck does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh!t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr.

   Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.

   Mexican word of the day: Pizza Sheet. Joe Biden is a pizza sheet.

   Please don't take anything I say personal or too seriously. I'm just an idiot with internet access.

   Lady Gaga looks likes she's been covered in glue and she's just collected crap as she walks past stuff

   A little boy who had diarhea said to his mom, "I need viagra" she said for what? He said "Well isn't that what you give dad to make his sh*t hard?"

   thinks it's funny how a self - examination for testicular cancer easily turns in to masturbation

   is single...but you're welcome to change that as long as your female and emotionally stable without the use of medication.

   Show me on this Fat Albert doll exactly where Bill Cosby touched you

   people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I tell em " would you put a bumper sticker on your ferrari?

   The only candy I'm interested in tonight swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   ATTENTION, Good people of the State Mississippi .... Ancestry.com is NOT an online dating service! ... That is all ...

   TWILIGHT: Taking the 'N' out of "Vampire Fangs", since 2007!

   can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...

   Dear Ghetto Mom...no one is going to hire your chils named Shaniquillla

   why kiss....when you can tell her lips a secret.

   because of tanning beds 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   It's so hot in MY town, gangs are doing drive-bys with squirt guns!

   I say let them burn ferguson to the ground and watch them cry tomorrow cause they don't have anywhere to spend their foodstamps.

   Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!!!