Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.

   I'm only a morning person on December 25th

   Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douchebags, and then complain about it

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know your high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got the f#ck out of there.

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   If you are single don't worry. Someone will come around shortly to totally mess that up.

   what can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon???

   there's a difference between a country girl and some slut with a hat

   David Caruso finds the bomber dead in a boat,,,"Looks like someone could've used a...." (removes shades)... "Life preserver."

   And that's why I don't have a boat.

   If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!

   I used to be a people person......but people fckued that all up...

   How many calories does wearing workout clothes burn? Does anybody know?

   Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.

   Strip malls are the most promiscuous of all the malls

   If marriage doesn't involve daily sex and the occasional fort building then I want no part of it.

   The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.

   wondering if unemployment will be sending me a christmas bonus?

   The difference between divorce and legal seperation is that legal seperation gives a husband time to hide his money.