Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   AD for PAPER DELIVERY PERSON: Must like early mornings, must own beater car/truck with squealing breaks and NO muffler or sound supression what so ever!! Ability to drive with one knee a plus!!

   Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream people.

   A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress

   Good morning Monday...now get outta my face!

   You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.

   It's funny how people that seems to know everything are always the unhappiest.

   Dear God, it's me again. Can you bring the toolbox? My life needs fixing.

   Today doesn't have that new day smell.

   MTV needs to be "Made" into a better channel

   HoodTranslations101: "I'm chillin tonight bruh" - My current financial situation will not allow me to partake in the festivities tonight.

   I was drunk when I had my picture taken for my drivers license. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don't have to worry.

   I need a new refrigerator. There's no food in mine.

   If a girl is standing and shouting through the sunroof of a limo, that limo has turned on its slut siren.

   Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house

   when on a cooking show I think it would be funny if after the food is cooked and they take a bite, somebody spits it out and yells, "that is disgusting!"

   Jerry Sandusky is about to go from tight end to wide receiver.

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   If you watch porn in high definition you can actually see how lonely you are.

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   I'm not trying to sound racist, but all fireworks look alike.