Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Note to self, when meeting uncle Jack at the airport never scream "Hi Jack!!" ..again

   Dear Today, thank you for trying. I'm glad you're almost over. Love, X

   The WIFE and her husband's CREDIT CARD....The True Marriage.

   just read about that student who had sex with his teacher....he died from high-fives.

   please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is no known cure for those who deserve a punch in the face,

   How do you save justin bieber from drowning? YOU DON'T

   had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters

   AD for PAPER DELIVERY PERSON: Must like early mornings, must own beater car/truck with squealing breaks and NO muffler or sound supression what so ever!! Ability to drive with one knee a plus!!

   Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream people.

   A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress

   Good morning Monday...now get outta my face!

   You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.

   It's funny how people that seems to know everything are always the unhappiest.

   Dear God, it's me again. Can you bring the toolbox? My life needs fixing.

   Today doesn't have that new day smell.

   MTV needs to be "Made" into a better channel

   Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .

   9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.

   I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.