Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a strange look from a 70 year old woman in bike pants/black socks/sandles. I'm afraid she might have heard me say, "Hello, future."

   i am not a squirrel but I do play with my nuts

   wants you to read this status... Keep reading it... There, now I have full control over your mind. Now bring me a beer!

   If you want your spouse to listen and pay attention to every word you say.. Talk in your sleep

   Dear BP, None of this would've happened if you had hired the best deep core drilling team -- Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, and the big black guy from Green Mile.

   Match.com says it's responsible for more dates leading to marriages that any other online site. And yet, it has no warning label.

   I like to follow up a compliment with a threat. For example, "Nice shirt! I'll fight you for it."

   forgot to pick up candy so it looks like I'll be passing out old VHS tapes, colored socks, #2 pencils, some paper clips, and a pack of tighty wities.

   It really sucks when your in the middle of something and your batteries go dead.

   A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

   Friends come and Friends go... Enemies accumulate

   I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn't have any money, either.

   needs to rent a Toyota for a few days, so he has a good excuse of why he's been running over people he doesn't like....damn sticky accelerator.

   Note to self, when meeting uncle Jack at the airport never scream "Hi Jack!!" ..again

   Dear Today, thank you for trying. I'm glad you're almost over. Love, X

   The WIFE and her husband's CREDIT CARD....The True Marriage.

   just read about that student who had sex with his teacher....he died from high-fives.

   please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is no known cure for those who deserve a punch in the face,

   How do you save justin bieber from drowning? YOU DON'T

   had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters