Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.

   I hate it when you look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes... you see someone in the car...

   There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.

   You don't have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   trying to act happy when no money falls out of your bday card! :(

   Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume...

   A dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.

   Does anyone else remember the day when you found out your parents had other names besides mom and dad? How crazy was that?!

   Beepers and pay phones were so much easier.....

   One women's "oh hell no that's gross" is another women's "oh please do that again".

   My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night.

   I don't think I'm better than you. I never think about you.

   Hey girl with 40,000 tweets and 14 followers, I'm guessing you should probably shut the f$ck up.

   We need more propeller hats

   You know you're getting older when you would rather ignore someone, so you don't have to go through the trouble of disposing their body...

   A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.