Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why was the blonde angry when she got her driver's license? Because she couldn't believe she had an F in sex.

   Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant

   lets play carpenter, first we get hammerd, then I nail you!

   WHOA! Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for updating my status. I'm going to miss you guys.

   When someone say "You Changed" that means you are not catering to them any more

   Come on. Let's all go and be happy in front of some miserable people

   Can we just make everything battery-related run on AA batteries?

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   Forecast tonight: Dark

   making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility!

   woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning.

   Adults do have cooties..........We call it STD's

   Why does a talk show host have an interview with another talk show host; to talk about another talk show host? (Oprah, Leno, Conan)

   just read an article on heavy drinking and it scared the sh*t out of me! So thats it!! After today no more f*cking reading!!

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   always and never are two words you should always remember to never use....

   thinks reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

   The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

   The FBI warnings before movies on DVD still refer to videotapes. So basically, even the people who are paid to make sure this is on every DVD, don't read it either

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.