Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there."

   What the hell are you supposed to do while the whole room is singing you happy birthday. Just smile? sing along? dance?

   Thank you Facebook for reminding me of my anniversary. Please feel free to torment me with reminders of all of my other poor life decisions while you're at it....

   When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.

   Hey Facebook, is it possible to cram a few more ads on my "new" profile page?

   All I want for Christmas is the charges dropped.

   Why was the blonde angry when she got her driver's license? Because she couldn't believe she had an F in sex.

   Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant

   lets play carpenter, first we get hammerd, then I nail you!

   WHOA! Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for updating my status. I'm going to miss you guys.

   When someone say "You Changed" that means you are not catering to them any more

   Here's a thought: Let's let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.

   Mexicans won't be paying for the wall, instead they'll be getting paid to build the wall.

   Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

   Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra. Now both arms are sore

   I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yes. You're a free man now."

   Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.