Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   biggest lie women tell: be honest, I wont get mad

   ‎"Can I see your phone?" "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"

   News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.

   Am I the only one that thought Ghana would come out wearing their 2014 Miami Heat NBA Champions shirts?

   Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

   A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.

   $950 for an iPhone 6 off contract’)... Airplane mode better take me on vacation

   Cougars should be called eager beavers.

   Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.

   I didn't realize the AIDS epidemic was so bad, they say one in every two and a half men have it

   The government shut down? Hmm.. Didn't notice any difference...

   being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.

   Here's a thought: Let's let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.

   ATTENTION: The Apocalypse scheduled for this year has been canceled due to time zone confusion.. sorry for the inconvenience.. they will try again next year

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)