Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”

   You wanna raise your child with no manners? Fine. But don't be mad when they're mean to my kid, and they come flying through your yard with a black eye because I punted them out of mine.

   I don't run away from my problems so much as I let them go on ahead without me.

   My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

   We all need to make a pact right now that there will be riots if Hollywood tries to remake The Goonies

   I've just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn't need my assistance, so I'm going back to bed

   I type so badly that my auto-correct feature has a standard response of "WTF?".

   Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive

   SORRY should only be said when it's not going to happen again. Not when you just want to be given another chance to mess up again.

   building my weekend playlist. So far I have REM "It's the End of the World" and Anita Baker "Caught Up In the Rapture". Any suggestions?

   the voices in my head must be almost out of beer,cause I can kinda understand'em

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   Guys, it's time to start working on those apologies for Valentine's Day.

   Car manufacturers need to get with the program! I can't be the only one that wants a Death Ray option.

   NEVER trust a leprechaun who tells you that you can rub off a little “luck of the Irish”….the only happy ending will be his…..

   Practice makes perfect......... Does this apply to lying too?

   Facebook : "a stalkers dream come true"

   ‎$3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo...

   Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

   NEWS FLASH: 2 air traffic controllers fired for sleeping on the job, someone might want to wake them up to tell them the news.......