Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 102 of 6387
*Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."
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07-31-2018 22:08
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Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.
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08-23-2018 00:28
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Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
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11-01-2018 06:31
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Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.
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11-05-2016 14:54
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Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.
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11-05-2016 14:58
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A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.
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10-11-2019 15:59
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Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
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10-13-2019 17:28
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...
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10-15-2019 00:58 by MrSharp
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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10-15-2019 04:11
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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10-16-2019 07:21
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.
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10-29-2019 09:32
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Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.
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10-30-2019 09:05
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct
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11-04-2019 04:37
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mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy
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12-05-2019 13:54
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I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.
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11-30-2019 01:31 by Moon
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The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
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11-26-2019 12:44
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I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
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12-30-2019 12:18
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I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.
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01-07-2020 13:49
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Pancakes: Because NO, you cannot have cake for breakfast, but you can have fried cake for breakfast.
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01-07-2020 13:50
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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.
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01-09-2020 08:17
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