Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've done absolutely nothing today. Glad I still got it in me.

   I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

   Insomnia is nature's way of saying you're not done bugging people for the day.

   If you're going to carry on a cellphone conversation in the men's room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.

   Dont you sometimes wish that you could just click 'like' on someones 'like'?

   No matter what mistakes I make in my life at least I won't be as pathetic as the guy who got eaten by a t-rex on the toilet in Jurassic Park

   If your depressed about the world, remember that sea otters hold hands so they dont float away while sleeping

   You know you are ugly when your profile pic is never you.

   If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

   - since it is the thought that counts...I'll just keep sitting here THINKING about being productive this evening

   I love American Idol. Except for the judges, the singers, and Ryan Seacrest.

   I still have nightmares about that time I gave my eskimo friend a house-warming present

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?

   The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.

   Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   Pharmacist to Customer: To buy anti-depression pills, Sir you need a proper prescription.. Simply showing a pic of your wife is not enough.

   Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. The only KKK that will let bIack guys inside them.

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   If a person from Iceland and a person from Cuba have a baby together, would it be considered an ice cube?

   Nobody loved poor Rudolph, until his birth defect served a purpose...nice story for the kids