Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if women can hear the magnificent sounds of the symphony orchestra when their bra is removed...

   Bruce Jenner wears a dress in public and Vanity Fair asks him for a photo shoot. I wear a dress in public and the police ask me for a breathalyzer.

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...

   Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!

   If you never seen it with your own eyes, or heard it with your own ears. Don't think it in your tiny brain, and spread it with your big mouth.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   Lonliness and alcohol are good friends, but on Valentine's day, they are best friends.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   Ahh, the gift card. The polite way to say here's $20, go get your own damn gift.

   if you break a sweat walking to the buffet, maybe you don't need another plate...

   heard OPEC is changing its name to 'bend over, America'...

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.

   Turns out, no matter how many Oreos you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.

   I wonder where Harold Camping is hiding these days? Is he counting the millions of $$$ he scammed from his followers? He's a disgrace to the human race.

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.

   "That song is old." "OH! I'm Sorry B!tch, I didn't know there was an expiration date on music."

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. Yeah, those monopoly games get pretty intense bro.