Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   Canada has never made and weapons of mass destruction. We don't need them. Canada has poutine and Justin Beiber. If we make our enemies eat poutine and listen to some Beiber cds, we'll do more damage to thier arteries and eardrums than WMD's ever could.

   blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.

   "Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.

   When things go wrong as they usually will and your daily road seems all uphill, when funds are low and debts are high, when you try to smile but can only cry. when you really feel like you should quit, don't call me, I don't give a S#@t.

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   So far my bracket is perfect! I can't wait to fill the rest of it in.

   courage turns quickly into fear when you attempt to kill a cockroach and it flies.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.

   In World Cup news, the England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6...

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

   Kim Kardashian wants to break the internet? All this no talent hack needs to do to break the internet is to sit on it.

   The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   Today is the official day for guys to start Christmas shopping!!!!

   What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.