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IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?
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05-09-2019 16:15
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The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
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09-05-2019 12:13
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No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.
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09-06-2019 12:29
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Car washes are just another shower to cry in.
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09-27-2019 05:40 by
kisstoper707
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Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
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09-27-2019 09:09 by
SEAN
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Me and my recliner go way back.
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05-05-2017 15:28 by
Aerotim
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Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
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05-18-2017 15:18 by
snotty
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[me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
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05-22-2017 02:47
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It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
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05-25-2017 08:46
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
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08-01-2017 07:33 by
snotty
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I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
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08-01-2017 08:31
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For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?
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08-06-2017 13:16
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Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.
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08-08-2017 22:24 by
Chencho
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I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
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09-13-2017 06:45
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If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
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09-15-2017 03:38 by
AATON
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The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.
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09-16-2017 16:17
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You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.
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09-18-2017 01:36 by
Kisstopher707
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BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys
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09-18-2017 21:30
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What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.
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09-21-2017 21:01
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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09-23-2017 23:42
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