Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?
←Rate | 05-09-2019 16:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Car washes are just another shower to cry in.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 05:40 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
←Rate | 09-27-2019 09:09 by SEAN Comments (1)  


   messageicon Me and my recliner go way back.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:28 by Aerotim Comments (1)  


   messageicon Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:18 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 08:31 Comments (1)  


   messageicon For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?
←Rate | 08-06-2017 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.
←Rate | 08-08-2017 22:24 by Chencho Comments (1)  


   messageicon I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
←Rate | 09-13-2017 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
←Rate | 09-15-2017 03:38 by AATON Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.
←Rate | 09-18-2017 01:36 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 21:01 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:42 Comments (0)  




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