Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.
←Rate | 09-18-2017 01:36 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys
←Rate | 09-18-2017 21:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.
←Rate | 09-20-2017 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 21:01 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?
←Rate | 09-25-2017 23:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.
←Rate | 10-13-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.
←Rate | 01-23-2018 19:35 by RickH. Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
←Rate | 02-12-2018 07:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?
←Rate | 02-15-2018 08:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”
←Rate | 02-17-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....
←Rate | 03-08-2018 10:10 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?
←Rate | 03-08-2018 14:09 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams
←Rate | 03-10-2018 04:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:14 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
←Rate | 04-10-2018 15:33 Comments (0)  




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