Funny Status Messages

   My buddy told me "My wife is an angel" I told him "You're lucky! Mine is still alive"

   I woke up this morning and turned on the tv. This tv evangelist was on and he said"you may not know this, but already you have SINNED." I said what could I have done? I just woke up.I'm not even out of bed. I turned and asked my sister and she didn't know

   Why is it that I have to recite the entire alphabet to remember where one letter is?

   If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."

   I don't know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.

   Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up

   Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.

   Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   Guys can be friends for months and not know each others' real names.

   Me: I cleaned all the dishes Mom: aren’t you going to put them away too? Me: you have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ The NFL is back!!!!!!

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.