Funny Status Messages



Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 980 of 6448

   messageicon *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out
←Rate | 10-04-2016 17:35 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.
←Rate | 10-07-2016 15:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 16:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'
←Rate | 10-09-2016 04:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.
←Rate | 10-09-2016 04:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You met her at church but she still could be Satan.
←Rate | 10-09-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 04:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.
←Rate | 10-27-2016 05:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 02:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
←Rate | 10-28-2016 08:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
←Rate | 08-26-2020 10:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.
←Rate | 08-24-2020 08:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.
←Rate | 08-29-2020 10:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.
←Rate | 09-12-2020 07:54 by DaWorb Comments (0)  


   messageicon I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
←Rate | 10-02-2020 08:48 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left