Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It must be a great offer since the Prince of Nigeria took the time to write me personally today.

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was chased by Usain Bolt but managed to get away.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady

   RIP Gene. You made people laugh even when you had no lines to speak. Your face was so expressive.

   KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised.

   Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.

   Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.

   This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.