Funny Status Messages

   drinking till I'm someone else's problem

   wondering what people in China call their good dishes?????

   surprised that, during his press conference, Tiger didn't give thanks for being honored with the Enviromentalist of the Year Award. The one he recieved for picking up all that white trash.

   It's amazing how many beautiful women walk into your life the week before you get married.

   I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

   Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.

   I may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".

   Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

   I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.

   Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.

   I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder.

   So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

   Took my Dog to sign up for Welfare. The Clerk said that Dogs aren't eligible. I said why not, the Dog is unemployed, Lazy, Can't Speak English and doesn't have a clue who his Dad is.

   - My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...

   How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!

   If I am ever put on life support, pull the plug, wait 30 seconds and plug it back in. See if that works