Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night..

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed