Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   All I'm saying is, you don't see many face tattoos on Jeopardy!

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.