life Funny Status Messages

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..

   Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!

   Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.

   It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   Girlfriend texted me, "I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me." I replied, "Who's this?"

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??