life Funny Status Messages

   Before sex, you help each other get naked.. After sex, you only dress yourself.. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once your f*cked!

   Mistakes are painful; but as time goes by, it becomes a collection of experiences called Lessons. Live life and embrace life lessons!

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went this afternoon and I feel ten years older already

   When her favorite song comes on she shakes the a$$ like a pro but can't ride a d*ck to save her life

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   Don't let him ruin your life, he already ruined your mascara

   Dear justin beiber haters Please respect him.. I owe my life to him last year I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident.. One day my nurse turned on the radio to Justin's song...I got up and turned off the radio

   At what point during my neighbors sob story about losing her job do I mention I only have 2% battery life?

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   I'll always be here for you...Unless there's an angry mob after you. Then I've never seen you before in my life.

   My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   Life log: It has been 19 days since the playstation has gone down.Everything seems so real.

   Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.

   Getting really into filling life's emptiness with carbs.