Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   Truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged

   Has lost my mood ring, and I don’t know how it feels.

   Not sure how people will react when they find out I'm actually a robot.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car