Funny Status Messages

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.

   I say we bury Boston bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body at Westboro Baptist Church....

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

   If you think you're having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom

   The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.

   HA HA !! Kim Kardashian is Killing Kanye's Popularity ! What a D Bag !

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.

   I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

   I'm not an alcoholic, an alcoholic NEEDS a drink... I already have one

   I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and stuff now.

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here

   I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....

   The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden

   Facebook got 2 billion to burn even though the site is 90% candy crush requests & fake news that tricked your grandma.