Funny Status Messages
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Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway? 
Sometimes I wish animals could talk, then I remember all those times I kicked my girlfriend's cat while she wasn't looking and I take back the wish.
I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter
To all the big a$$ fancy truck owners, have you ever notice how much you can save but just staying at home?!
when life gives me lemons, I forget about them in the crisper until they rot. Same thing with apples, really. Nothing special about you, lemons.
By the super powers vested in me... I can now pronounce you deleted on fb and blocked if I want to.
Thirsty Thursday and Cinco de Mayo fall on the same day, coincidence? She thinks not
Dear Rihanna! When you're done playing with the toilet paper, please wind it back into the roll!!!!.....
The weather in Oklahoma has been more bipolar then katy perry
just booked a flight to the west coast so I can observe the sun setting on Charlie Sheen's ass
thought he was my knight in shining armor, but it turned out he was just some retard in aluminum foil
This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.
me: how much is that shirt? vendor: for you sir? me: no, no, for you, remembrance from me.
I was wondering why some wizards in Harry Potter are so much more powerful than others. Then it dawned on me. Midichlorian count.
Where's Waldo? (Er....Gadhafi..)
You know you're losin' it when you're so used to the DVR controls on the TV, that you keep reaching for the radio in my car to rewind something you've just heard! LOL I'm definitely losin' it!
I feel a tele-thon coming on. Ben Affleck get your guys ready..
"My girlfriend just broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair... It's ok though, She always comes crawling back."
Lets treat guns like printers, expensive ink and bullets! that way if you really shoot someone,....oh you really meant to kill them with this $3000 silver bullet!
People who cry like a baby over repeated jokes. Life is short - stop sulking. 