Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have this medical condition that makes me pee in a hot tub as soon as I get in it.

   BIRTH: It goes in like a banana and comes out like a pineapple.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!

   Yes! Lets recount exactly how Donald Trump won!!!!

   People think I'm not very bright because I spell cat with a k: cak.

   my yard is so white it got nominated for an Academy Award

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

   Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

   Think you're having a bad day? I sneezed while taking a piss this morning...

   They let Robocop keep his human mouth because eating pu$$y is a valuable crime-fighting technique.

   My wife is so fat, that she only needs a cup of water in the tub to take a bath.

   Just found out other countries like bahamas, Africa and Russia are issue warnings not to travel to the US if you're a black person. When is Syria going to issue there warning?

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every black guy with dreads. I have a hunch.

   The Republicans and the Libertarians should merge their Presidential tickets. Then Trump could really talk about his Johnson!

   If Hillary were President, she would be all, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, What the hell, I am PMS'n leave me the f#ck alone. . .

   Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

   Who's your daddy takes on a whole new meaning in the ghetto.

   Bet if the block voters wore MAGA hats, they would not of had a problem registering to vote.

   Dear Santa, To be safe I'll be staying home for Christmas, so please just drop my presents on my porch and don't bother coming down the chimney. Thanks!