Funny Status Messages

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

   Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic.

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.