Funny Status Messages

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   I have a friend whose status says: "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff". So I poked him...

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   Good News! Gas is supposed to drop under $3/gal! Now we can afford to drive by the job we used to have, the home we used to own & the bank we used to have money in....

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White - Good condition - Reliable - Cheap - No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.

   I sound so good singing after a couple drinks, that my neighbors even called the cops to come and hear me too!

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   my son informed me this morning that they no longer call it "Old School". It's now known as "Lame". If he wasn't my kid, I'd have thrown my Walkman at him....

   when your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch.

   If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.

   oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."