Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "What's in the box... WHAT'S IN THE BOX??!!!" Brad Pitt opening his wedding gifts.

   One word: Ballgazi

   All these FB quizzes are just today's horoscopes. BS designed to make women feel important in a man run world.

   At 7-11 and the cashier rings my bottle of water up and asked me if I would like a bag to go with that? I asked her if she had anything good? We laughed and laughed...

   Jacking off is all fun and games until someone walks in

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard wasn't a reality show, my day is now shot.

   The only time your woman screams your nam ein bed is when you fart in your sleep.

   Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.

   Obama has driven me to a financial status that I can't tip delivery drivers if there's is a delivery charge anymore. Sorry guys, but minimum wage should be $10/hr soon so you'll be fine.

   There once was a man from Salem. Who liked to break wind and inhale them... Then he'd burp with delight, a despicable sight. But you wouldn't need a blood hound to trail him...

   Ladies, Here is your reminder to put your good yoga pants in the washer so they're ready for Thanksgiving tomorrow

   Medicated, caffeinated, irritated. Just give me my coffee, give me my computer, and leave me the hell alone.

   I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger

   Somebody forgot to tell the FBI that Hillary Clinton was the most qualified person to run for President of the United States .... Ever .... Period.

   When people simply scale the fence to the White House it really goes to show just how utterly pointless Donald Trump's border wall will be.

   Hey Mr. President. Mother Nature called. She wants her protection back.

   If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?

   How's that wall coming along? I hope it hasn't obstructed traffic for you guys.

   I hire the best people! No one can accidentally butt-dial reporters like my people do!

   A Texas man died during a lap dance at a strip club. His Tomstone is going to read "His wife said he was a good hubby, but he died with a chubby."