Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... It's now being reported on the news that Kim Jong Il's very last words before he died were ......... "Hey, .... Aren't you Chuck Nor..............."

   parties after Jesus died must've been pretty lame for the rest of his disciples ..

   bill belichek is still in the locker room crying like a b1tch so no interview from him till tomorrow Lmao

   If a fat girl falls over in the middle of a forest and no-one's around to see it, do the trees laugh?

   Don't lie, cheat or steal. The government hates competition.

   My dog wishes everyone a Merry Christmas. Fleas Navidad.

   going to The Regal Beagle tonight with Janet and Chrissy. Larry will meet us later. When we get together, shenanigans will soon follow.

   Just read that Jimmy Dean has died at age 81. RIP Instead of cremation his family has chosen to have him ground into a delicious breakfast sausage... Very touching

   I've always wondered iffilm directors wake up screaming"CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" whenthey have nightmares.

   Damn I just seen this big chick with a belly ring soon as she sat down it VANISHED

   God, when I said make it rain on me, what I meant was shower me with money like a stripper, not the weather

   Jennifer Aniston has the emotional range of the volleyball in "Cast Away" & the comedic timing of a syphilis outbreak.

   Me: "I'll have a Coke please." Waitress: "Is Pespi okay?" Me: "Is Monopoly money okay?

   difference between jam and jelly..I cant jelly my D..k into her mouth

   CORRECTION: "Who are we?" "Men!" "What do we want?" "s3x!" "When do we want it?" "24/7/365!"

   If you're not spanking her ass on a regular basis, YOU SIR ARE DOING IT WRONG!

   Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?

   Surely hope insurance companies start classifying "delusional people who think the President is doing a good job" as a pre-existing condition.

   U.S.A.- If you have oil, your people need freedom and peace.

   throwing skittles at random people and saying " taste the rainbow b*tch!"