Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive

   I applied for a job in a Pshyc Ward. They said I need 24 hrs experience with a retard... So I was wondering, what are you doing tomorrow.

   If you cant be a highway then just be a trail.... If you cant be the sun be a star... It isn't by size that you win or you fail... Be the best of whatever you are.

   How dare you steal my status and not like it first! Stop.............(runs after) thief!!!

   Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise WE CANNOT EAT MONEY.. look at whats happening with Belo Monte dam in Brazil

   God made everything + everything is made in China = God is Chinese???

   I'm gonna get "Shake well before drinking" tattooed on my pen!s.

   She said she wanted to get a facial, but then she got mad when I came on her face!

   90% of my workout consist of me finding the rite song, 9% trying to bend down to put my shoes on, and 1% kicking off my shoes to crawl into bed!

   Mmm-Kay,,, The recipe said "turn the oven to 180 degrees," so I did... But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   For months I thought this guy at the grow shop was retarded but today I found out he's only from Australia.

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga STILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, p!nk looked like a slutty nun who wet herself, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fo

   How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a pinky monkey named Spunky ran into the forest and chucked all the wood before the woodchuck could?

   wondering why Miss Piggy always chased after Kermit the Frog, he's green and slimy and will probably give her warts!

   if "rawr" means "i love you" then why does it scare me?

   drinks... we drink hard... we drink loud... and we drink often. it may not be pretty, but damnit we have a good time...

   ofcourse I love women and have an undying respect fo 'em. , .they rate way up on my priority list . . right after measles,chicken pox and broken legs

   OMG........ just got pull over by Mt. View PD guess I was going 85 in a 65. The officer ask me "Do you know how fast you were driving". I said "NO my car thought it was a Toyota Prius"

   Each Day we wake up and go about our daily business, the majority of us live oblivious to the seriousness of just how bad BP has really hurt all of us with their ongoing leak in the Gulf

   - If the camera lens is round, why is the picture rectangular?