Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody no CPR in Miami? Lebron James is doing the International choking sign again.....

   Why do people say they slept like a baby? Is it because they wake up every two hours or is it because they wake up with a load in their jammies?

   Hi Google Earth, Please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You.

   Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

   You cant trust someone just because you want to ,either you do or you don't

   will work for a status.

   Redneck Magician , couldn't pull a rabbit out of his hat so he pulled a hare out of his bag

   Love is when you look into someone's heart and find everything you need.

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

   Your delusional,she wouldn't do you if your semen cured cancer!!!

   my 2 yr old nephew said he wants to see poosy and booobs,.. I said huh? oooohh puss and boots!

   "Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"

   It's funny to hear someone talk normally and then all of a sudden throw in a huge word. EX: "Yo, dude I was walking down the street with my bro and suddenly this hot girl walks by and I was like, 'Damn, that ass is quite prepossessing.'".

   To climb a ladder you must start at the bottom. Get a few sluts under your belt, then go after the respectable women.

   Whenever I'm leaving the schools bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting,we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   s I think they should leagalize p0t for teachers.. Think about it.. It eliminates them drinkin on the job.. It would make classes a lot more interesting, and people may actually wana stay in school.

   Just told my Secret Santa I ran over a bum in Vermont back in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   People who give up their dreams to support others', you are idiots.

   RIP Slim Dunkin...Thank God it was not the Doughnut!!!

   Even crappy coffee is better than no coffee at all.