Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes!! 1,000 times Yes! I WILL like the Facebook page of the architecture firm your a part-time receptionist at, girl I met at a party once.

   Not today man, the last time someone aksed me a question I lost my wallet

   They say you should never brush your teeth before oral sex. Seems kind of unsanitary doesn't it?

   Its like that girl doesn't even care that he shorts stopped fitting like 3 years ago.

   I feel sadly left out knowing that I'm one of the few people in this country who hasn't shot or been shot at by George Zimmerman.

   U may hate me for being a sarcastic b!+ch, but I'm the one who gets exactly what I want while ur still whining about it... (^_^)

   At any given moment there's at least 7 to 13 ninja's in your house.

   My wife asked me to take her out on Valentines Day, I did & now I’m headed to prison.

   Real friendship is lending your Facebook so they can stalk their ex.

   TSA to all pocket knifes on flights. Trying to appeal to the traveler that whittles.

   if you meet a single hot girl, turn and run like your balls are on fire!!

   Wife: "When you're watching p orn, do you think of me?" Husband: "When you're eating cake, do you think of dog s hit?"

   Revenge is sweet. Sit back, relax and watch their Karma do all the work, than I can say I told you so...

   204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship. This sucks!!!!

   North Korea is about to do a Harlem Shake on South Korea

   war machines will cause the destruction of man. Not a comet. I wonder what the next species that inhabits the Earth will discuss while filling their vehicles with the fossil fuels derived from the remains of extinct humans.

   When I was younger, I lived in downtown San Diego. I was a chubby little white boy trying not to be noticed by the local gang groups. When they did notice me one day, I was scared. Until they tried to take my Pokemon Gold game. Nearly beat them to death.

   be the person your cat thinks you are..Lol

   The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth............... Steve Buscemi

   You buy her a gift. She sleeps with you. The similarity here is that the s-e-x is also a gift since both things center on something coming in a box.