Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   men really don't want their minds blown...

   Let's have martinis together and then fight to the death with the tiny plastic swords.

   a dentist and a manicurist had a fight. it was quite a battle,in fact they fought tooth and nail.

   Nothing tests a woman like having to stop talking for 2 f uckin minutes whilst she’s brushing her teeth

   yo' mama is so fat that when she walked infront of the TV last Saturday night, we missed the entire third period of the hockey game.

   I make people guess the secret ingredients in my brownies.. hallucinating yet?

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to my X-girlfriends house?

   Are you a low budget movie, because you are boring?

   Just lost 50 lbs. Time to put it all back on again.

   my wife thinks she marred a sex therapist cause she keeps saying if I want your f ning advise I will ask you for it

   The best way to ruin my day is by asking me, "How's life treating you?" or "What's new?".

   Tell me where I stand so I can decide what to do with this grenade.

   Being heard is something, but being felt is a whole different thing.

   the only friends I have ignore me and act like they are my boyfriend. weird

   I never fart when I'm with a woman. I'm saving myself for marriage.

   i always said "im so hungry I could eat a horse" but I think i'll pass

   I have a confession too Oprah...

   i miss you like a deadline

   So rumor has it that Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn are dating....I wonder if he thinks it will be easier to go downhill on her....

   unequivocally denies visiting an anti-aging clinic in Miami in order to receive performance-enhancing PEDS to do his daily status updates. Any claims to the contrary are baseless and are coming out of left field.