Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   The first date went so well I might even remove the duct tape for the second date.

   Oscar Wilde's last words were, "Either that wallpaper goes or I go."

   The thing I love about my ex is she didn't take up much space in the trunk.

   Make the best out of a bad situation by ignoring it.

   Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

   Friday the 13th would be a lot more frightening if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.

   I typed in "Tim Howard" into Google. I'm waiting for the search results but I think they've been blocked.

   If only you can see the Face I'm makiong ....When you add another plate in the sink while I'm washing the freakin dishes!!!!

   What if I told you none of this was real? "Sir, just pay us your credit card debt."

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   That moment when you do or say something cool and then spend the rest of the day replaying the moment over in your head

   All Yoga becomes "Hot Yoga" once the down dog pose starts.

   Sometimes you need a drunken nap in the bathroom before you go to bed. Thats all.

   I'd have more money if I didn't buy that $20 shirt back in 2009

   My teenage daughter says I'm not cool, what does she know. *takes out phone from fanny pack to write this status update*

   Another day ruined by responsibly

   The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today

   I give to charity, I don't recycle my aluminum cans and just throw them in the garbage. Not one homeless person in my area.

   I knew I had nailed it when she said she didn't remember seeing me do my Bill Cosby impersonation.... or anything else that night.