Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys

   Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.

   mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing

   I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

   Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.

   I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!

   I took some bad medicine and have been out for a while. What did I miss? Is Kanye president?

   My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   He ate healthy, stayed fit, very well mannered, and got ran over by a truck.. what are the odds.

   Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.

   Dr. Drew, we're here because we love you, and we're concerned about your addiction to putting addicts on TV.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   *Facebook* How I look in photos I upload: s(•_•)z How I look in photos I'm tagged in: \(•~°)/

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   Put your money where your mouth is and suffocate yourself with your money.

   Life is the 60 years between the only times when bingo and board games are an acceptable way of spending your days.

   starin at a fluorescent light Above him watchin the dust bunny fall like snow.

   I never bought you flowers, because I can't figure out what they mean.

   there's something about the people on Doomsday Planners that makes me think they're serious

   my memory is less like nerves connecting synapses and more like a dry erase board...