Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?

   No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

   My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.

   My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.

   My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you. In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

   Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

   [on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   Good morning to everyone except if your name starts with S, just like my ex’s.

   So whats are you all doing tonight? - Using social networking for what its intended for.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the facts? I said I sure have....... I got married.

   I love you more then a click of your like buttons.

   “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs

   Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate