Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Peanuts, big butts, M&M's, large butts, raisins, huge butts." - Sir Trail Mix-a-Lot

   my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE

   *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

   There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?

   No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

   My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.

   My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.

   My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you. In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

   Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

   [on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   Useful information. Lucky me I discovered your site by accident, and I'm shocked why this coincidence did not happened earlier! I bookmarked it.

   let's be honest .... nothing is as good as 90's nostalgia, Rocko's Modern Life over Sanjay and Craig any day.

   BTW .... I need a new friend ....... The last one escaped

   Meanwhile In Canada: "We are receiving requests from everywhere," Stephane Dion, Foreign Affairs Minister, on the search for a peacekeeping mission for Canada.

   Just found out about the Pokémon Go app today and downloaded it. No disrespect intended BUT....I find enough shizzle on my own without blindly following this app that led me into dog poo in my neighbors front yard.

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot