Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ran over an old guy's guide dog today. Lucky for me there were no witnesses.

   You can never plan the future by the past.

   so easy a Cavewoman can Do him

   I don't have a short attention span...................Ooo Shiny!!

   Ugggh.. won't work just end so I can hurry up and go to fight club already?

   Just booked a table for me and the other half for tomorrow - f****** hope she's good at snooker lol?!!!!

   My girlfriend has very bad taste in clothing. Her only dress I love, is the one she takes off...

   believes you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

   Lindsay Lohan is spending the holidays in rehab, poor girl..no friends..no family, no drugs..no alcohol..I'm just sayin!!

   I wonder how many tattoos you can get for the Sugar Bowl trophy...

   Whoo yooh A suicide book..got my mother in laws christmas present..};-)

   Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away

   This may look easy to you, but I assure you your mother is even easier.

   The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills should be renamed Rich MILFs

   "Real, Recognize Real, And I Can't See Or Hear None Of Yall." -Helen Keller

   GLORY HOLE (post on your buddy's wall)

   if you wanna womanise.., you should condomise..

   Confused! My gf is complaining about tennis elbow and she doesn't even play tennis!

   Smokey the Bear says that "only you can prevent forest fires." Great. My job is hectic enough, and now I have to go around doing the work of lazy firefighters?

   The Trump administration has removed endangered species protections for parrots. Polly hates a cracker.