Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to make friends at a new job? When going to the bathroom, choose the urinal next to someone and strike up a conversation. Be sure to compliment their stance and form.

   So I send you numerous lives on candy crush, you flirtatiously Thank me and suddenly we're only "just friends".

   Why would canada discontinue pennies?? That country doesnt make cents

   If you won't wear a chef's hat while pleasuring me orally, I don't see this relationship going anywhere

   "Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'." This recipe is for poor girls.

   I continue to be a loser while everyone else around me succeeds. It must be the government and poor peoples fault.

   For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

   People don't want to go outside when it is raining.. Scared your fake will wash off?

   My favorite collage is Morehead State, my favorite fish is the suckerfish and my favorite bird is the swallow. Are you taking notes ladies?

   I think I found out what commitment really is. Its not marriage, its finding a new cell phone plain to sign with...

   I've got my injury from the Vietnam war, it was from a hunting accident while hiding in Canada

   why is the wedding cake at a Portuguese wedding made out of S#it? It's to keep the flies off the bride.

   Kindly read the book which hasn't been adulterated by Human additions/versions. The Book which is timeless and has been perfected for all mankind (till da end). Apparently, Straight Pride is nw frowned upon. What a m3ntally r3tarded society we live in

   The only thing lower than don's approval raitings is his supporter's IQs

   At our family weddings, we always watch our senile old grandpa to see what dumb thing he will do next. Now Trump fills that role for the whole country.

   Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?

   Whenever I see a Mattress on top of a car, I wonder to myself if its a prostitute makin house calls

   Wow, are we really so broke that Obama has to take the bus to work too?

   CNN tried to blame me for 9-11. On that day I turned on the tv and the guy said " if you're just turned on your tv,the world trade center has been destroyed".

   Women like having four animals in the house: a jaguar in the driveway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskull to pay for it.