Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   Don't worry Brady, Arizona just took the spot light off you with the worst decision in NFL history

   Nobody talks on the phone anymore. If I like you, I'd rather hear your voice. Texting has made sh*t less intimate.

   HALLOWEEN PRO TIP.... put on your costume then over top of it do the classic ghost blanket costume....go trick-or-treating as a ghost then take the blanket off & go a 2nd round as the other costume you wore underneath....double candy

   Gotta love Lamar Odom.... This is the first time in history the hookers and coke actually saved a guy's marriage.... Rock on Lamar

   What I have survived could kill 99% of you.

   Don't forget to have a thought and a prayer for the poors when you buy your useless stuff this weekend

   If you put Isis and my ex gf together all you going to see is pure evil

   As much as Santa came last night I bet he will sleep for a week

   I used to play in a band. now I just play with myself

   Chemists tell great joke, but they don't get a reaction because all their people skills Argon. OMG... that's Sodium funny, right? NA? Okay.

   I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.

   Velveeta Cheesocalypse...Why weren't we prepared?

   Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

   That special moment when you enter a Starbucks and because the music is loud, you feel free to fart. Then you realize that you had your headphones on!

   Be careful when you're thmoking a metal bowl in thub thero temperaturths.

   the stanley cup > a silver football

   So hom0s like men clean shaven, hairless, emotional, caring men? Why don't they just go for women???