Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X She's never coming back and don't ask Y

   Hey,,,If you watch that last episode of Cops backwards, they uncuff my Dad, let him drive off recklessly, chase him, then give up..

   Teacher: Get out a sheet of paper. Student: LOOK AT ME NOW! Teacher: Excuse me? Student: I'm GETTIN' PAPERRRR!

   I've been constipated for 3 days now. I'm half expecting a ransom note from arse demanding money for the safe release of my next poo.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   Hurricane Issac heading for GOP Convention maybe they "has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

   I'm chocolate and I got a thing for Vanilla...

   Hey Clay Aiken, Rocky Dennis called. He wants his face back.

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

   Bald people stop stressing. Your scalp is just taller than your hair.

   sometimes doing the right thing aint doing the right thing...

   Major League Baseball received numerous calls from Rangers fans threatening suicide, so they have set up a new suicide help line. The number is 1-800-STL-1029

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....

   Always remember "You can't save these Hoes, That's Jesus job."

   Which is scarier, faceless kittens or faceless babies? And what's in ketamine?

   Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!

   Its the love of money thats the root of all evil you retard get your facts straight..

   I'm trying to break my record of 4 wanks in an hour, I'm abit tired I hope I can do it. My sisters pulling for me

   found my favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   Due to rising fuel costs- NASCAR has announced its switching from laps to lapdances!