Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching the neighbors climb in their SUV with dirt shovels and a rolled up carpet hmmm.... oh well

   needs money for alcohol research. Please donate.

   Slutty Is The New Trend..Well Aren't You Just The Little Trend Setter?

   Failure is not an Option, and Defeat is not a Choice!

   born with two helpings of brains but only half a helping of heart

   Some days I wake up Grumpy....other days I let her sleep in....

   wants to play basketball with the president and dunk on his delegates.

   How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

   I amNOT a ride OR die chick. I have questions. Like where are we riding to? And why I gotta die? Cant I just be your stay at home and take care of the kids chick?

   Stan: Cartman did you just say the F word?. Cartman: you mean J ew?

   No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report because I already have a inferiority complex.

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   smoking a blunt with Justin Bieber.....

   you can't call a show Golden Globes and then show a bunch of skinny girls!!

   Tig Olbitties would make a good stripper name!!

   Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.

   When is a good time to mention St Patrick wasn't Irish, he was the son of slave-owning Roman nobility born in England and his color wasn't green, it was blue? Not today then?

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   I bet it's confusing for gays with walk-in closets. You're in, you're out, you're in, you're out.

   Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X She's never coming back and don't ask Y