Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The illbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 am and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart.

   Its stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back..

   I seen a New Cartoon on MTV, The opening line was a kid telling his mom she smelt like Balls and Old Spice. Epic moment

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste

   I got the moves like Jagger! I got the moves like Jagger! I got the...oh, here's the bathroom.

   Anti Single Ply TP

   I just saw the most adorable Asian baby and I tried to say, "Aww, so cute," but her mom smacked me before I got to "cute."

   That uneasy moment when you get tested and only one of you is positive.

   I hate texting people who don't use smileys. I feel like I'm texting an emotionless robot!!!

   Kangaroos cant hop backwards.... it's not very funny, but you learned something! I don't care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that!

   due to lack of interest tomorrow is cancelled.

   With all these Cops on the road, sometimes I pull myself over, just to avoid a cop from reading my tags.

   I think I'd rather hear gunshots coming from my parents bedroom than hear one more second of Chris Brown tonight.

   The chinese police sketch artists can prob only draw one face...lets see, round face, slanted eyes, flat nose and black hair.....ok, is this the man?....YES!!!

   Some people are like pennies. Two-Faced And Worthless.

   ANYONE gonna ask Press Sec'y Gibbs what that violent uprising is on his face? Is it me or does Gibbs have herpes on his lip?

   hates snow blowing.... it gives me an ice cream headache.

   That today a small kid dressed in diapers with a bow and arrow came knocking on my door and I turned the hose on him.... come to think about it I might be confusing Halloween with Valentine's Day!

   I know you think your kid is all smart and stuff, probably is, in relation to you.