Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, you're not fat. You're just easier to see.

   A Man is someone who can stand on his own two feet. A Boss is someone who guarantees we all eat.

   Am I the only mother***king one who doesn't understand a f***king word that Katt Williams motherf***king says?

   Grandma needs a pair of underpants that will support her breasts.

   bring back always on schedule never on time

   7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

   Its almost Barf day. That day you get one more year older want want to barf but can't so you induce yourself with booz until you do.

   Watch out, I'm in just the mood to steal someone's armadillo today.

   People have to stop drinking from wells they didn't dig.

   I do what I wanna do, in living color.

   not to be rude but, I really don't care.. like, at all.

   The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that is beautiful.- Ron Swanson

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Fergie's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Fergie: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   Remember kids: If some guy is handing out candy from a van, still don't go in it...

   I was asked it I ever experienced Paranormal activity. I replied " Yeah , my ex girlfriend ... she's possessed by the devil and every 20-25 days it got even worse !!!"

   Here lies Eddie Drake, he stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

   Ladies, Take note of the plot of Sleeping Beauty: My sexual advances on you while you sleep, I'm a keeper... still single

   Some girls see the news reports of those ladies with 136 cats and think, "See, I'm not The Crazy Cat Lady." WRONG!!  If you talk to your cats like they're your children, you ARE The Crazy Cat Lady!

   Growing old is a requirement, Growing up is an option..

   Continued - "My friend is slightly retarded." Oh,what a fun evening this was.